Today I miss my grandfather

I love you Granddaddy. And I miss you.

I wish it wasn't turning out like this. You are the most wonderful person in the world and you should be the last person this happens to.

My grandfather is suffering from Dementia. He has progressed to a point where hospice has been called in and they say it is only a matter of time, he is towards the end. We know he has been wasting away for some time, but this is still a huge blow. He is the best grandfather in the world. And don't even argue the point with me - no one has a better one.

I remember the Radio Flyer wagon. We would take it and ride all the way down the steep driveway, landing in the grass. We would laugh and do it all over again. Granddaddy would sometimes worry, but mostly he knew we were having fun.

I remember pecans. I loved picking them with Granddaddy. And when he was outside picking fallen pecans or tending to his garden, he would where a seemingly too-big ball cap.

I remember shiny silverware and a Lazy Susan. I would always wake up to clinking glasses. Grandma would fix me toast with peanut butter and Granddaddy would always pour my milk and bring me utensils. Then he would smile as I snuck some sugar from the Lazy Susan to sprinkle on my toast.

I remember birdseed. I loved running my fingers through the large barrel of bird feed. I see all the tools in the garage and where the wagon was parked, just waiting for a grandchild to jump on.

Granddaddy, I know you don't remember anymore. It mostly makes me sad to see how you don't know how loved you are or how much you loved me.

I last saw you almost a year ago. I told you I would be back soon to see you and I loved you. I actually wondered whether I would get to see you again. I feel like I abandoned you. I love you so much and I had every intention of seeing you again. Now unfortunately, I will never be able to see you again. Maybe that's for the best. I wouldn't want to see you so weak in the condition you are in. I want that last memory of you to be happy. You waving to me out the front door. After I left, I'm sure you told Grandma how glad you were to see me.

But I know that someday, when I am much older, I will look back at photos of us together, look up to heaven and whisper, "Do you remember this Granddaddy?" and I will hear - for the first time in a long time - "Yes baby. I remember."

My favorite picture of my grandparents

My fabulous Grandma

Mom and Granddaddy

I love them.